Tag Archives: toilets

Using form: Odd poem: British Railways toilet sign

Passengers will please refrain
from flushing toilets while the train
is standing in the station.

*****

It is my (perhaps flawed) understanding that this particular wording originated in the UK. Signs instructing passengers to refrain from flushing toilets while at a station were widely used in the UK throughout the mid-20th century, specifically from the nationalization of British Railways in 1948 through the 1960s. The signs were a standard fixture in passenger carriages, typically made of cast iron or enamel for durability. The signs began to disappear as British Rail modernized its signage in 1965, and gradually replaced older rolling stock with newer models. 

At the time these signs were posted, British trains utilized a “hopper” or “direct discharge” system: toilets consisted of a simple chute or a water-flushed system that emptied human waste directly onto the railway tracks. Because waste dropped straight down, flushing while stationary at a station would deposit raw sewage directly onto the platform-side tracks, creating severe hygiene and odor issues for passengers and staff. Although the first retention tanks (which hold waste for later disposal) were introduced in 1981, the transition away from “hopper” toilets was slow. As recently as 2018, approximately 10% of British train carriages still discharged waste onto tracks, with the practice only largely being eliminated by 2023 after significant government and industry pressure. 

It is not known which railway employee successfully created and implemented the phrasing—”Passengers will please refrain from flushing toilets while the train is standing in the station”. Perhaps they did it surreptitiously, anonymously; but the catchy rhythm and rhyme became so ubiquitous that it was set to the tune of Dvořák’s Humoresque No. 7 and became a popular piece of cultural folklore in both the UK and US.

Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas and Yale law professor Thurman Arnold take full credit for the “Bawdy Song.” In his autobiography, Go East, Young Man (pp. 171–72), Douglas notes, “Thurman and I got the idea of putting these memorable words to music, and Thurman quickly came up with the musical refrain from Humoresque.” Here is an incomplete version of that work:

“Passengers will please refrain
From flushing toilets while the train
Is in the station. Darling, I love you!
We encourage constipation
While the train is in the station
Moonlight always makes me think of you.
If the woman’s room be taken,
Never feel the least forsaken,
Never show a sign of sad defeat.
Try the men’s room in the hall,
And if some man has had the call,
He’ll courteously relinquish you his seat.
If these efforts all are vain,
Then simply break a window pane-
This novel method used by very few.
We go strolling through the park
Goosing statues in the dark,
If Sherman’s horse can take it, why can’t you?”

Review: “Holy Tango of Literature”, amazing parodies by Francis Heaney

Holy Tango

T.S. Eliot anagrams to “Toilets”. Francis Heaney therefore uses that theme to parody Eliot’s best-known poem, “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock”, as the opening poem of the book:

Let us go then, to the john,
Where the toilet seat waits to be sat upon
Like a lover’s lap perched upon ceramic;
Let us go, through doors that do not always lock,
Which means you ought to knock
Lest opening one reveal a soul within
Who’ll shout, “Stay out! Did you not see my shin,
Framed within the gap twixt floor and stall?”
No, I did not see that at all.
That is not what I saw, at all.

To the stall the people come to go,
Reading an obscene graffito.

We have lingered in the chamber labeled “MEN”
Till attendants proffer aftershave and mints
As we lather up our hands with soap, and rinse.

And so it goes, throughout the Holy Tango of Literature: anagram the poet’s name, use that as the theme for parodying their best known poem. Here are some of the openings:

e. e. cummings: “nice smug me”

nice smug me lived in a pretty hip town
(with up so noses snobs looking down)
saks moomba vong prada
i wore my mesclun i ate my uggs

William Shakespeare: “Is a sperm like a whale?”

Shall I compare thee to a sperm whale, sperm?
Thou art more tiny and more resolute:

Gerard Manley Hopkins: “Kong ran my dealership”

I hired last summer someone simian, King
Kong of Indies islands, fifty-foot-fierce Gorilla, out of hiding

Chaucer, Dorothy Parker, Frost, Whitman, Gwendolyn Brooks… it is an extensive collection, including parodies of plays by Wilde, Woody Allen, Beckett, Pinter and so on. Samuel Taylor Coleridge, who anagrams to “Multicolored Argyle Sea”, is a particular delight. Beginning

It is an ancient Mariner,
And he taketh lots of drugs,

it surreptitiously develops a second level of parody of a completely different drug-related poem. I’ll let you discover it for yourself.

And one of my favorites is William Blake, “Likable Wilma”:

Wilma, Wilma, in thy blouse,
Red-haired prehistoric spouse,
What immortal animator
Was thy slender waist’s creator?

When the Rubble clan moved in,
Was Betty jealous of thy skin,
Thy noble nose, thy dimpled knee?
Did he who penciled Fred draw thee?

Wilma, Wilma, burning bright, ye
Cartoon goddess Aphrodite,
Was it Hanna or Barbera
Made thee hot as some caldera?

The book is out of print, and its publisher out of business, but even if you can’t find a used copy, it is still available online for free, although without the illustrations… just scroll down the linked page and you’ll find it. It is the most satisfying collection of parodies I have ever read.